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What is Abuse and how do I get away from it?

First off, before I even get into the subject the title shows, I must say a few things. I am not a physician, psychologist or a psychiatrist. I am going to simply put out some information, from my years of knowing people on both sides of this issue. If you are in an abusive situation, I urge you to seek help now! I believe that I can put a spin on things that may help you see what I have found to be a problem and a possible solution to that problem. Please do not take my word as gospel of what you are going through. Keep in mind, I am just a writer, giving my opinion. If you are in danger, get help immediately!

A woman sitting on the floor with her hands up in a defensive matter, protecting herself

Let’s first look at what is considered abuse. Most people believe abuse as a physical hurting of another, usually a husband hitting his wife. This is abuse, but there is another form of abuse that most people never think about. Verbal abuse can destroy a person as fast as physical abuse, and in many ways become the worst case scenario. Verbal abuse can lead into physical abuse.

I want to first talk about physical abuse. If you are a man and are hitting your wife or children, you have a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately! You should never hit your wife, period! As far as your children, if you are spanking them, make sure you never do so out of anger. Any other type of hitting your children is an absolute wrong. I will not lean one way or the other on this issue. You are responsible for the discipline of your children. To further your education on spanking, let’s take a look at what the definition of spanking is.

noun

  1. an act of slapping, especially on the buttocks as a punishment for children.”you deserve a good spanking”

The key factor about spanking, is never do so when you are angry. You have to remember how much strength you have and how easily you can hurt your child. By the way, this goes for you too, ladies, never spank your child while you are angry. Spanking can be a form of discipline however, if done while in an angry state of mind constitutes abuse.

A man points and verbally abuses his spouse

Men, Never hit a woman! Part of being a man is learning control of your body and emotions. You should have been taught that growing up, but some of you did not receive that lesson of life. Men are naturally stronger than women, especially in our upper bodies. Not only is it the wrong thing to do, it can cause great harm to whom you are hitting. Men are known for their self-control for a reason. If you lose control, make sure you are alone or with your male buddies, who can help control you. This is a huge #1 lesson for a man to learn. Don’t let your true temper show when there are women or children around. None of us really want to hurt our bride or children. Don’t allow it to happen, because being sorry later doesn’t fix anything. They may forgive you, given time, but you will never forgive yourself.

I have talked a little about Men hitting women, but ladies, I have something to tell you as well, and you’re probably not going to like it. It takes great control for a man to hold his temper to a lower level, if you ladies hit your man, you may be tempting fate. Don’t hit him and hope he doesn’t hit you back. Most of us have control to not snap, but there are those that don’t have this control, especially while drinking or under other forms of mind-altering substances. If he hits you, he is completely in the wrong, but just don’t help him get there by hitting him first. I want to add here that I have been talking about husbands and wives, this also is for boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancĂ©e, or any other couple out there. I guess the biggest difference is, if your boyfriend is beating you up, and you go ahead and marry him, you are asking for trouble. It would be bad enough to keep dating and see how many times he hurts you. Remember, if he will do it once, there’s a great chance there will be a repeat in your future.

A man yells at his spouse, while their daughter sits on the floor, covering her ears in fear

The main issue people are not learning is, “we must respect each other“. If you are hitting one another, there is no respect, and you shouldn’t be together in the first place. Of course, there are always the instances where people change and become someone else. If this is the case, there is a reason, and it usually involves the substances, mentioned above, like alcohol. Ladies and gentlemen, if you meet your mate in a bar, the writing should be in letters ten feet tall to look deeper before you commit to a relationship.

I have discussed abusing and being abused, but how do we change what is happening? If you are the abuser, you need to move out and seek help immediately! It may be hard to leave your family, but until you get help, you need to get out before things get worse. If you love your family, get help, and there may be a chance of getting them back. If you lose them because you left, at least you will have peace in your heart that your family is safe. This would be the hard lesson #2. Remember, there is help for you, and you don’t have to do it alone. There are plenty of places willing to help you with your anger issues.

Woman and her child pack a suitcase to leave.

Ladies, if you are being physically abused, get your children and leave. The longer you stay, the harder it will be, and the chances of serious injury or even death for you and your children will gain in percentage, not lower. If he is out of control, it will continue to get worse until he gets the help he needs. He can apologize all he wants, but if he has let the beast out more than once, it will continue. I say more than once, I would like to say the first time, but I know that I would be talking to a brick wall. I know you women always want to believe it was a one time thing. Furthermore, I pray that you are right, but studies show this not with good odds. When he beats you or your children up the second time, will you give him a third?

It’s very scary to be in a situation where you think of being trapped or that he will find you. I feel for you, I really do, but if you don’t get out of that situation, it is only going to get worse. You know when he won’t be home. You know where you can find a police station, or a relative to get to. Don’t let yourself or your children become a statistic on the news. Especially if you have children, get them out of this situation to a safe place.

Now, most people don’t want to talk about it, but there are instances where the wife is the physical abuser. This doesn’t happen as often, but it does happen. The same goes for you gentlemen, if your wife is abusive to you, you need to get out. If your wife is abusive to your children, get them out and make sure to seek help with the nearest authorities. By authorities, I mean the police. This falls under a little different circumstance, because it is rare and people don’t want to believe the wife as the abusive one. You want to make sure to go directly to the authorities, so your wife can’t say you kidnapped your children. If you do anything else, you might be charged for kidnapping, since you are the man. I know this isn’t right, but society is what it is. Get your children to safety, this is the most important thing.

I have gone over what I believe about physical abuse. Now let’s talk a little about verbal abuse. Do you realize that verbal abuse, even though not taken care of by authorities as it should be, can actually be worse than physical abuse? First let me say that physical abuse usually consists of verbal abuse at the same time, but not mentioned very often. Verbal abuse, by itself, can be a lifelong tragedy. Someone can verbally cause their partner to commit suicide. If the verbally abused person does get out and away from their abuser, they may never be able to trust another person, ever. They can lose the ability to function in society, because they have been torn down so badly, they can no longer make decisions on their own. Verbal abuse can become a brainwashing that may never be fixed. Verbally abused people lose all self-esteem and can go into deep depression that may control the rest of their lives.

A man, with his hand raised, has a woman up against a wall, using verbal abuse.

Most of the time, verbal abuse starts slow and grows from there (degrading your spouse, calling him/her hurtful names or telling him/her they are useless). It is a constant tear down of one’s mind. The abused person becomes dependent upon the one that is abusing them, and believing they themselves can’t get along without the one abusing them. Verbal abuse may later become physical abuse, but they are so beaten down by then, they start feeling they deserve the physical abuse. Do you see why I say verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse? It is a tear down of one’s mental ability, and can be considered brainwashing. If this is done slowly enough, the person doesn’t even realize it’s happening until it’s beyond repair.

I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, however I have known people in all aspects of what I have written. I hope that you have found some comfort in and possibly even some helpful advice. If you are in an abusive situation, whether you are the abused person or the one being abusive, there are those of us who care and want you to get help. Take care and remember, God loves you, and we love you too. Don’t give up who you are! Take care my friends, I wholeheartedly believe in you, and believe you can make, and have a better life.

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Suicide, the selfish way out

One thing that can’t be forgiven is suicide. This is the ultimate selfish end to everyone that loves you. You have taken every aspect of good and forced heartache into all that know you. This is a heartache that does not go away. It is a stain on all of your loved ones. When someone dies in an accident, tragedy, or from natural causes, there is a time of mourning, but as time goes by the healing will begin for the loved ones. When someone takes their own life, the healing cannot and will not ever be there for the loved ones. There will be a hurt that will never ease in any way.

Lady stepping off ledge

People will look into the life of a suicide and say things that try to make sense of it. Well, he or she had a lot of problems. He or she was a very sad person. He or she needed help and couldn’t find it. These are responses of the living trying to find any kind of peace for themselves. Actually, none of these reasons warrant the taking of your life and I will tell you why. If you open your eyes and look around, there is always someone that has it worse than you, and they are making things work. These people will live a miserable life if they have to, just so they don’t bring the pain to others. These people will also find the solution to their problems. They will gain strength in their struggles and will see how much better off they are for the hardships they have been through. Those who soldiered on will see how selfish, weak and cowardly those that take their own lives are.

Support group with one female hugging another

I want you to know right now, there is help. Don’t give up! Don’t force the pain you are feeling onto others because you are having a hard time. Seek help now! Don’t wait until tomorrow. You know where you are with your feelings. You may not think that there is anybody that cares for you, but you are dead wrong. Furthermore, you are reading an article right now of someone who cares. There are also others reading this and want to help you. We may not know your name, but we care and are willing to listen to you. I am willing to talk with you and get to know you. I will listen to your problems and help you see a different way.

Give me and others a chance before you do something that you can’t take back or be forgiven for. You can respond to this post or contact me directly at joinme@readcsi.com. If you wish to be even more private, let me know, and I will be more than happy to give you my personal email. I truly believe that you can change your way of thinking and see a better future. If you are a teenager or someone who would like to hear a new perspective through a teenager’s eyes, I suggest checking out my daughter’s site. I am so proud of her and her friend reaching out to other teenagers to help with the hurt so many are going through. You can find them on Instagram @brettzoid. If anyone reading this post would like to add their thoughts, I welcome you to reply below. Together we can make a difference and help someone in need.

Writing on blackboard "Here To Help"

If you have read any of my post before, you will notice that I try to end my post with a small sentence that really hits home with not only myself but with others as well. I will end this here, and I will keep an eye on my email for your thoughts and questions. I look forward to talking with you. Take care, think of others as well as yourself and remember, we are all in this together.