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What is Abuse and how do I get away from it?

First off, before I even get into the subject the title shows, I must say a few things. I am not a physician, psychologist or a psychiatrist. I am going to simply put out some information, from my years of knowing people on both sides of this issue. If you are in an abusive situation, I urge you to seek help now! I believe that I can put a spin on things that may help you see what I have found to be a problem and a possible solution to that problem. Please do not take my word as gospel of what you are going through. Keep in mind, I am just a writer, giving my opinion. If you are in danger, get help immediately!

A woman sitting on the floor with her hands up in a defensive matter, protecting herself

Let’s first look at what is considered abuse. Most people believe abuse as a physical hurting of another, usually a husband hitting his wife. This is abuse, but there is another form of abuse that most people never think about. Verbal abuse can destroy a person as fast as physical abuse, and in many ways become the worst case scenario. Verbal abuse can lead into physical abuse.

I want to first talk about physical abuse. If you are a man and are hitting your wife or children, you have a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately! You should never hit your wife, period! As far as your children, if you are spanking them, make sure you never do so out of anger. Any other type of hitting your children is an absolute wrong. I will not lean one way or the other on this issue. You are responsible for the discipline of your children. To further your education on spanking, let’s take a look at what the definition of spanking is.

noun

  1. an act of slapping, especially on the buttocks as a punishment for children.”you deserve a good spanking”

The key factor about spanking, is never do so when you are angry. You have to remember how much strength you have and how easily you can hurt your child. By the way, this goes for you too, ladies, never spank your child while you are angry. Spanking can be a form of discipline however, if done while in an angry state of mind constitutes abuse.

A man points and verbally abuses his spouse

Men, Never hit a woman! Part of being a man is learning control of your body and emotions. You should have been taught that growing up, but some of you did not receive that lesson of life. Men are naturally stronger than women, especially in our upper bodies. Not only is it the wrong thing to do, it can cause great harm to whom you are hitting. Men are known for their self-control for a reason. If you lose control, make sure you are alone or with your male buddies, who can help control you. This is a huge #1 lesson for a man to learn. Don’t let your true temper show when there are women or children around. None of us really want to hurt our bride or children. Don’t allow it to happen, because being sorry later doesn’t fix anything. They may forgive you, given time, but you will never forgive yourself.

I have talked a little about Men hitting women, but ladies, I have something to tell you as well, and you’re probably not going to like it. It takes great control for a man to hold his temper to a lower level, if you ladies hit your man, you may be tempting fate. Don’t hit him and hope he doesn’t hit you back. Most of us have control to not snap, but there are those that don’t have this control, especially while drinking or under other forms of mind-altering substances. If he hits you, he is completely in the wrong, but just don’t help him get there by hitting him first. I want to add here that I have been talking about husbands and wives, this also is for boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancée, or any other couple out there. I guess the biggest difference is, if your boyfriend is beating you up, and you go ahead and marry him, you are asking for trouble. It would be bad enough to keep dating and see how many times he hurts you. Remember, if he will do it once, there’s a great chance there will be a repeat in your future.

A man yells at his spouse, while their daughter sits on the floor, covering her ears in fear

The main issue people are not learning is, “we must respect each other“. If you are hitting one another, there is no respect, and you shouldn’t be together in the first place. Of course, there are always the instances where people change and become someone else. If this is the case, there is a reason, and it usually involves the substances, mentioned above, like alcohol. Ladies and gentlemen, if you meet your mate in a bar, the writing should be in letters ten feet tall to look deeper before you commit to a relationship.

I have discussed abusing and being abused, but how do we change what is happening? If you are the abuser, you need to move out and seek help immediately! It may be hard to leave your family, but until you get help, you need to get out before things get worse. If you love your family, get help, and there may be a chance of getting them back. If you lose them because you left, at least you will have peace in your heart that your family is safe. This would be the hard lesson #2. Remember, there is help for you, and you don’t have to do it alone. There are plenty of places willing to help you with your anger issues.

Woman and her child pack a suitcase to leave.

Ladies, if you are being physically abused, get your children and leave. The longer you stay, the harder it will be, and the chances of serious injury or even death for you and your children will gain in percentage, not lower. If he is out of control, it will continue to get worse until he gets the help he needs. He can apologize all he wants, but if he has let the beast out more than once, it will continue. I say more than once, I would like to say the first time, but I know that I would be talking to a brick wall. I know you women always want to believe it was a one time thing. Furthermore, I pray that you are right, but studies show this not with good odds. When he beats you or your children up the second time, will you give him a third?

It’s very scary to be in a situation where you think of being trapped or that he will find you. I feel for you, I really do, but if you don’t get out of that situation, it is only going to get worse. You know when he won’t be home. You know where you can find a police station, or a relative to get to. Don’t let yourself or your children become a statistic on the news. Especially if you have children, get them out of this situation to a safe place.

Now, most people don’t want to talk about it, but there are instances where the wife is the physical abuser. This doesn’t happen as often, but it does happen. The same goes for you gentlemen, if your wife is abusive to you, you need to get out. If your wife is abusive to your children, get them out and make sure to seek help with the nearest authorities. By authorities, I mean the police. This falls under a little different circumstance, because it is rare and people don’t want to believe the wife as the abusive one. You want to make sure to go directly to the authorities, so your wife can’t say you kidnapped your children. If you do anything else, you might be charged for kidnapping, since you are the man. I know this isn’t right, but society is what it is. Get your children to safety, this is the most important thing.

I have gone over what I believe about physical abuse. Now let’s talk a little about verbal abuse. Do you realize that verbal abuse, even though not taken care of by authorities as it should be, can actually be worse than physical abuse? First let me say that physical abuse usually consists of verbal abuse at the same time, but not mentioned very often. Verbal abuse, by itself, can be a lifelong tragedy. Someone can verbally cause their partner to commit suicide. If the verbally abused person does get out and away from their abuser, they may never be able to trust another person, ever. They can lose the ability to function in society, because they have been torn down so badly, they can no longer make decisions on their own. Verbal abuse can become a brainwashing that may never be fixed. Verbally abused people lose all self-esteem and can go into deep depression that may control the rest of their lives.

A man, with his hand raised, has a woman up against a wall, using verbal abuse.

Most of the time, verbal abuse starts slow and grows from there (degrading your spouse, calling him/her hurtful names or telling him/her they are useless). It is a constant tear down of one’s mind. The abused person becomes dependent upon the one that is abusing them, and believing they themselves can’t get along without the one abusing them. Verbal abuse may later become physical abuse, but they are so beaten down by then, they start feeling they deserve the physical abuse. Do you see why I say verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse? It is a tear down of one’s mental ability, and can be considered brainwashing. If this is done slowly enough, the person doesn’t even realize it’s happening until it’s beyond repair.

I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, however I have known people in all aspects of what I have written. I hope that you have found some comfort in and possibly even some helpful advice. If you are in an abusive situation, whether you are the abused person or the one being abusive, there are those of us who care and want you to get help. Take care and remember, God loves you, and we love you too. Don’t give up who you are! Take care my friends, I wholeheartedly believe in you, and believe you can make, and have a better life.

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Guest post short stories

The Art of Forgiveness

Written by Laura Moseley

My guest today is Laura Moseley from The DV Walking Wounded. Thank you, Laura, for sharing something that is so important for others to see! I commend you for your strength and for teaching other women, all is not lost. Laura is a survivor, and you can be too!

“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”

CS Lewis

I learned about forgiveness early on, as a young child. My father always told me, “Those who anger you, own you.” That was the way that he instructed me to not let others dictate my behavior, which opened the door to forgiveness of others. My family was very ingrained in our church, so I was taught to receive forgiveness, I myself had to forgive. It wasn’t until I was a married adult, did I learn the proper way to forgive and “mean it.”

I had NO idea that there was a formula to forgiveness, until recently. I always knew that there was a technique to it, but not that there was an actual formula. I am going to break down the formula, putting my spin on it. I feel like I have massive experience in the “forgiveness” department, after surviving a twenty-six-year marriage to an abusive man AND surviving and healing from sexual abuse from a former boyfriend when I was just a teenager. I have had to forgive these people, even though I’ll never receive a formal apology, to live my life. I also will not allow them to do anything else, ever again. It’s the “Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!” principle.

Step 1: Acknowledge

Acknowledge that an offense happened, one that hurt the recipient (you). Be specific. Example: “My co-worker lied to our boss about taking sole credit for our project.”

Step 2: Consider

How did that offense make you feel? Has it changed your thinking or perception? Mull over what has happened, not making any decisions under stress (either anger or sadness).

Step 3: Accept

Please accept that what has happened (the past) cannot be undone. It is done and acknowledges that it has happened — and do not alter that perception. There is NO guarantee that the other party accepts that. What-ifs are not allowed here!

Step 4: Determine

This is the step where you will “determine” whether or not you intend to forgive the other party/person. This is a pivotal point. DO NOT take this lightly. This point can also dictate the future relationship you will have with the offending party, if any.

Step 5: Repair

Repair the relationship with the person who wronged you. Before any act of forgiveness or reconciliation, rebuild the connection you used to have with this person. For instance, if someone at work has wronged you, you may not necessarily forgive them, but you can let them know that you all have to work together, and you will be professional and courteous to each other. If you say something, keep your word! In most cases, you will be the instigator of this “olive branch,” so to speak. Many people know that they have inflicted a wrong, but “freeze up” and do not try to repair, only to avoid it. Keep in mind that you are “repairing” not “restoring.” If you are going about as if nothing is wrong, that does not solve any problems, but just creates more instances for you to be wronged.

Step 6: Learn

What does the term “forgiveness” mean to you? You really need to define that at this point. To me, I acknowledge the wrong and what you plan to do (or need to do) to correct that wrong. However, I will not forget this wrong, I just will no longer acknowledge that once forgiveness is granted. I am not allowing that wrong to own my thoughts and feelings. BUT, that is my interpretation. As a child, I had an adult tell me that you cannot forgive a person if they do not ask for it. I don’t believe this to be true, now that I am an adult. I have to get to a point of forgiveness for what they did to no longer control my feelings and perceptions. That person may no longer be in your life or may have passed away. You can forgive them and move on, based on time and feelings.

Step 7: Forgive

Actively forgive the person who has wronged you. This may be silent forgiveness, doing so in your mind. However, if you have an issue with someone currently in your life, you should speak the forgiveness. Example: “I forgive you for lying to me about _______. However, this has made me not trust you. I realize that we still have to work together. I will treat you with kindness and professionalism as I always have, but I may not entirely trust you.” The verbal statement may not be met with penitence or compassion, but it is your statement to make. Doing so in a non-threatening way is the way to go. Waiting to introduce it into a conversation, when it is just you and the other party, is best. The silent version is helpful in all aspects, as it helps you to let it go and move on! You may never truly get an apology or acknowledgment that the other party wronged you!

Conclusion

Another point is never to bring this past transgression up if you all have a later disagreement or argument. If you have truly forgiven someone, this is not fair to what is going on in the present! You may recall the past transgression also if there is a history of disagreements or misunderstandings. This may help you to know if you need to cut off the relationship, as a negative history, but DO NOT verbally bring that up. That only adds fuel to the fire and illustrates that it was truly not forgiven. You want to be a person of your word and if you want others to forgive you, you don’t want that thrown in your face. Each transgression merits its own attention! I definitely learned this from being in a romantic/intimate relationship. No one is perfect and I don’t expect my partner to be. I know I am not perfect, so I can extend grace to them — once we talk things through, that is. Communication should be a vital part of any relationship. If it is not, the relationship is not a positive one. Understanding why the transgression happened takes time, but try not to dwell on it too much. You may never fully understand why or how, but acknowledge that you can no longer worry about it! Worrying causes stress, which can shorten our lives. And I’m going to be darned if anyone gets to own my feelings! They are no longer allowed to pay rent inside my head! I release them from that, through forgiveness. I have found life is too short for that, honestly. After everything I have been through personally, I hate no one. Hate is a strong emotion that can kill you. Plus, I do not want to stoop to my transgressors’ negative levels. I am better than that and will conduct myself as such. Not better than the person, but better than the bitterness. Love and light!

Picture of the author Laura Moseley
Laura Moseley

BIO: Laura is a single Mom of three, Nana to one grandbaby, who survived 23+ years of sexual or domestic abuse. I work for a federal social services organization, and also am a DV advocate, activist, speaker, writer/author, and blogger. I enjoy helping victims survivors get out of abuse and never go back! https://dvwalkingwounded.me/