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short stories

Calming Pure Anger

If you are one of my readers, I’m sure you have noticed that I haven’t written a post of my own for a couple of weeks. I want to apologize, and I have decided to let you know why. I did get some great guest post writers during this time to make sure that you guys had something to read and learn from. I would like to thank Laura Moseley and Julia Mitchell for their great post, especially during this time. I believe they are both outstanding writers and feel you should go to their websites and see what else they have to offer. I hope to have them both back very soon.

Some of you know that I suffer nerve damage from an accident I had while working in a copper mine in Arizona. This is not an excuse for not writing, however, it has something to do with my absence. Just about everybody understands what nerve damage can do and the pain that goes with it. Things such as burning, losing control of extremities, itching, tightness and swelling to name a few. What those that have never experienced nerve damage don’t understand is the anxiety, depression and anger that come along as though the pain alone isn’t enough.

My anxiety has been through the roof, as of late, but that I handle with medication. The problem that has sidelined me has been pure anger. How can I write an uplifting post for my readers if I can’t even uplift myself? You may ask yourself why the anger? This I will try to explain the best that I can. Those of you in this position understand, but may not be able to find a way out of it. Although, I myself have been having great struggles with anger as of late, I have also been able to finally curtail it, but it has not been easy.

I have always been a person who jumps to get done whatever it is to be done in the safest, yet fastest way possible. I may complain and use some choice words during this time, but I was always working to finish the job, even while using the childish “complain phase”. Furthermore, I’ve done jobs that I hated, but I still got the job done. After becoming disabled, my whole world got turned upside down. All of a sudden, I can no longer jump right in and get the job done. No longer can I do what I want and speed through any situation. I now have to slow down and not do the things I used to be able to do, without major struggles. This alone makes me angry. And yet there is so much more to it.

Some things that I go through, have no explanations, and I will not try to explain to you what I can’t even explain to myself. The focus of this is to explain what I do know. I know that when I lose control of my hand and drop or crush a can of soda, anger is quick to come. I know that when I fall down in front of someone, without an obstacle causing it, first comes embarrassment, but anger is not far behind. The falls I keep to a minimum using a cane, yet even the stick fails me now and then.

So, throughout all my rambling and complaining, am I looking for sympathy? No, I am not! I am getting angry just admitting some of the things that make me angry. Crazy, huh? The only reason I decided to write this is to help others, in the same situation, to know there are others of us, and we need to be open about it and stop allowing the anger to get the best of us. Holding the anger in just multiplies it, however, we don’t want it to come out on others around us. I have found going to be by myself is the best I can do.

There are things like mindfulness that help in these situations, but I have found, I still must be alone for it to work. So alone time is the way to go in my opinion. The only thing to keep in mind, is don’t allow negative thoughts come in while relieving myself of anger. This is what I have been going through as of late. I believe I now have it under control, for the meantime. I am generally a kind person and when the anger hits, it is a shock to my system.

Most people that read this post will have no real idea of what I’m explaining. I would like to tell those people, there are people you know that are dealing with this and if they say to give them some space, time or to leave them alone, please give them this time to refocus. There is very little you can say to help other than you are there for them when needed.

Once again, I want to apologize to my readers for my absence. I will try to get back to my normal writing soon. I also am in the mist of creating a second website, where I have been writing short stories in various genres and will attach it to this website for those that have an interest, once it goes live. Furthermore, I want to thank you for sticking with me during this time, and I hope to bring more followers on board to help C.S.I grow. Take care, my friends, and remember, we are all in this together.

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Blog posts

Not writer’s block, it’s writer’s pain

      I have to admit, this has not been one of my best weeks. In fact, it probably ranks in the lower half of all weeks that I have lived through. I started writing a few years after a work injury ended my career in mining. Along with helping keep my mind busy, I found that I was also helping others along the way with my thoughts and experiences put in print. Having nerve damage can be very painful at times. Even after years of dealing with this up and down pain and learning to handle what comes with it, there are days and sometimes weeks that are just too much to function with, let alone have the peace of mind to concentrate and write. This has been the case this week, no matter how many times I sat down to write this week’s post, I just couldn’t get started, let alone finish. Don’t get me wrong, I have many post in my head just waiting to come out and share with you, I just couldn’t sit still and concentrate long enough to get it done.

     The problem this week has nothing to do with writer’s block, more like writer’s pain that has been holding me back. I’m not the kind of writer who can create a lot of material and stockpile it for a later date to publish. I am the type that has to write at that moment of inspiration. It is true, I have a few posts started with the possibility of continuing at a later date. In these unfinished posts, none are more than two paragraphs long. I guess you could call them ideas more than posts. These will sit by the wayside until inspiration hits, and I can finish them. Some of these posts will never make it any farther than they are right now. I took some time this week and looked these over, with not even a hint of inspiration to grasp hold of. This is not to say that I couldn’t finish them as we speak, but they would not have the heart and soul I like to poor into my stories. If I ever finish a post without a small trickle of sweat on my brow, I know I haven’t put enough of myself into it yet.

A picture of a starry night with a quote by Billy Scaggs "Why look to the darkness of night when looking at the stars show the light?"
I’m reminded of what I was told about not seeing my inspiration. Thanks Doc

     Today, a very wise man (one of my doctors) suggested I write about how I have felt this week and be true to my word about it. He said that inspiration has been with me all week, I just wasn’t paying attention. I never realized pain could be a form of inspiration, especially someone who deals with it day-to-day.

     After starting this blog to help myself, a little over a year now, I have come to write more for your benefit than mine. This has done more good for me than it did when I started, I now have a reason to write other than keeping my mind busy. I now feel I’m maybe helping others who take a few minutes to read my posts. I feel almost selfish writing this post because I keep thinking, in some way, I am letting you down not posting my normal stuff. At this point, I’m not even sure that I will even publish this.

     I have never and will never believe the pain I go through is in any way worse than someone else’s. There are multitudes of people that are much worse off than I am. I can only write about what I know and let the others tell their own stories. I do, however, share a bond with others suffering from nerve damage. My sciatic nerve was damaged and there are many times I have parts of the left side of my body go numb, itch, ache and worse of all is the burning sensations that come to me. Real bad weeks like this one is when all of these symptoms come on at once and includes not just parts, but the whole left side of my body. When this happens, my normal insomnia becomes super insomnia, which, of course, stacks pain on top of pain without rest to break it up. Alas, here is where the problem of writing becomes huge, or as I like to call it, writer’s pain.

     The more I think about it, I’m becoming convinced that maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there that may get some good out of this post. If this is true and not just me over thinking, I would do that person an injustice by keeping this from being published. As long as I find this to be true and as long as I don’t convince myself otherwise, I will publish this as soon as I finish writing. I want to let others who deal with nerve damage know, I understand. I know how it feels when a slight change in temperature, change in barometric pressure or even a slight breeze can set off the pain in your body. This is no carnival ride, for sure. I guess the worst part about it is when people can’t see your injury, they sometimes don’t believe how you can possibly be hurt. If you’re not wearing a cast, you must be faking. Then comes the time when you find someone else who is suffering from the same thing, and you realize, “Hmm, I’m not crazy after all!” Just because an injury cannot be seen from the outside, doesn’t mean it’s not very real on the inside.

The last paragraph is for those who have nerve damage. Those who don’t share in this infliction, have no idea how it truly affects you. We, who do, learn to hide it the best we can for those who don’t.

I guess I should wrap this up now. Once I got started writing, it was hard to stop because while writing, the pain seems to disappear or at least, I don’t notice it quite so much. Thank you for allowing me to get away from my normal writing this week while I get my body to calm down. I will be posting again next week, going back to my normal writing. Take care, God bless and as always Remember, we are all in this together.