First off, before I even get into the subject the title shows, I must say a few things. I am not a physician, psychologist or a psychiatrist. I am going to simply put out some information, from my years of knowing people on both sides of this issue. If you are in an abusive situation, I urge you to seek help now! I believe that I can put a spin on things that may help you see what I have found to be a problem and a possible solution to that problem. Please do not take my word as gospel of what you are going through. Keep in mind, I am just a writer, giving my opinion. If you are in danger, get help immediately!
Let’s first look at what is considered abuse. Most people believe abuse as a physical hurting of another, usually a husband hitting his wife. This is abuse, but there is another form of abuse that most people never think about. Verbal abuse can destroy a person as fast as physical abuse, and in many ways become the worst case scenario. Verbal abuse can lead into physical abuse.
I want to first talk about physical abuse. If you are a man and are hitting your wife or children, you have a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately! You should never hit your wife, period! As far as your children, if you are spanking them, make sure you never do so out of anger. Any other type of hitting your children is an absolute wrong. I will not lean one way or the other on this issue. You are responsible for the discipline of your children. To further your education on spanking, let’s take a look at what the definition of spanking is.
- an act of slapping, especially on the buttocks as a punishment for children.”you deserve a good spanking”
The key factor about spanking, is never do so when you are angry. You have to remember how much strength you have and how easily you can hurt your child. By the way, this goes for you too, ladies, never spank your child while you are angry. Spanking can be a form of discipline however, if done while in an angry state of mind constitutes abuse.
Men, Never hit a woman! Part of being a man is learning control of your body and emotions. You should have been taught that growing up, but some of you did not receive that lesson of life. Men are naturally stronger than women, especially in our upper bodies. Not only is it the wrong thing to do, it can cause great harm to whom you are hitting. Men are known for their self-control for a reason. If you lose control, make sure you are alone or with your male buddies, who can help control you. This is a huge #1 lesson for a man to learn. Don’t let your true temper show when there are women or children around. None of us really want to hurt our bride or children. Don’t allow it to happen, because being sorry later doesn’t fix anything. They may forgive you, given time, but you will never forgive yourself.
I have talked a little about Men hitting women, but ladies, I have something to tell you as well, and you’re probably not going to like it. It takes great control for a man to hold his temper to a lower level, if you ladies hit your man, you may be tempting fate. Don’t hit him and hope he doesn’t hit you back. Most of us have control to not snap, but there are those that don’t have this control, especially while drinking or under other forms of mind-altering substances. If he hits you, he is completely in the wrong, but just don’t help him get there by hitting him first. I want to add here that I have been talking about husbands and wives, this also is for boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancée, or any other couple out there. I guess the biggest difference is, if your boyfriend is beating you up, and you go ahead and marry him, you are asking for trouble. It would be bad enough to keep dating and see how many times he hurts you. Remember, if he will do it once, there’s a great chance there will be a repeat in your future.
The main issue people are not learning is, “we must respect each other“. If you are hitting one another, there is no respect, and you shouldn’t be together in the first place. Of course, there are always the instances where people change and become someone else. If this is the case, there is a reason, and it usually involves the substances, mentioned above, like alcohol. Ladies and gentlemen, if you meet your mate in a bar, the writing should be in letters ten feet tall to look deeper before you commit to a relationship.
I have discussed abusing and being abused, but how do we change what is happening? If you are the abuser, you need to move out and seek help immediately! It may be hard to leave your family, but until you get help, you need to get out before things get worse. If you love your family, get help, and there may be a chance of getting them back. If you lose them because you left, at least you will have peace in your heart that your family is safe. This would be the hard lesson #2. Remember, there is help for you, and you don’t have to do it alone. There are plenty of places willing to help you with your anger issues.
Ladies, if you are being physically abused, get your children and leave. The longer you stay, the harder it will be, and the chances of serious injury or even death for you and your children will gain in percentage, not lower. If he is out of control, it will continue to get worse until he gets the help he needs. He can apologize all he wants, but if he has let the beast out more than once, it will continue. I say more than once, I would like to say the first time, but I know that I would be talking to a brick wall. I know you women always want to believe it was a one time thing. Furthermore, I pray that you are right, but studies show this not with good odds. When he beats you or your children up the second time, will you give him a third?
It’s very scary to be in a situation where you think of being trapped or that he will find you. I feel for you, I really do, but if you don’t get out of that situation, it is only going to get worse. You know when he won’t be home. You know where you can find a police station, or a relative to get to. Don’t let yourself or your children become a statistic on the news. Especially if you have children, get them out of this situation to a safe place.
Now, most people don’t want to talk about it, but there are instances where the wife is the physical abuser. This doesn’t happen as often, but it does happen. The same goes for you gentlemen, if your wife is abusive to you, you need to get out. If your wife is abusive to your children, get them out and make sure to seek help with the nearest authorities. By authorities, I mean the police. This falls under a little different circumstance, because it is rare and people don’t want to believe the wife as the abusive one. You want to make sure to go directly to the authorities, so your wife can’t say you kidnapped your children. If you do anything else, you might be charged for kidnapping, since you are the man. I know this isn’t right, but society is what it is. Get your children to safety, this is the most important thing.
I have gone over what I believe about physical abuse. Now let’s talk a little about verbal abuse. Do you realize that verbal abuse, even though not taken care of by authorities as it should be, can actually be worse than physical abuse? First let me say that physical abuse usually consists of verbal abuse at the same time, but not mentioned very often. Verbal abuse, by itself, can be a lifelong tragedy. Someone can verbally cause their partner to commit suicide. If the verbally abused person does get out and away from their abuser, they may never be able to trust another person, ever. They can lose the ability to function in society, because they have been torn down so badly, they can no longer make decisions on their own. Verbal abuse can become a brainwashing that may never be fixed. Verbally abused people lose all self-esteem and can go into deep depression that may control the rest of their lives.
Most of the time, verbal abuse starts slow and grows from there (degrading your spouse, calling him/her hurtful names or telling him/her they are useless). It is a constant tear down of one’s mind. The abused person becomes dependent upon the one that is abusing them, and believing they themselves can’t get along without the one abusing them. Verbal abuse may later become physical abuse, but they are so beaten down by then, they start feeling they deserve the physical abuse. Do you see why I say verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse? It is a tear down of one’s mental ability, and can be considered brainwashing. If this is done slowly enough, the person doesn’t even realize it’s happening until it’s beyond repair.
I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, however I have known people in all aspects of what I have written. I hope that you have found some comfort in and possibly even some helpful advice. If you are in an abusive situation, whether you are the abused person or the one being abusive, there are those of us who care and want you to get help. Take care and remember, God loves you, and we love you too. Don’t give up who you are! Take care my friends, I wholeheartedly believe in you, and believe you can make, and have a better life.
Here is a guest post by a wonderful writer. I have had her on C.S.I before, with a great response. I asked her back because of the feedback from my readers. She has a way to bring thoughts to the surface, and explains how to cope with our ever-changing lives. Please welcome my guest and one of your new favorite bloggers, “Julia Mitchell“.
The mid-life crisis is a misunderstood phenomenon, but the severe impact on well-being remains absolute. A change in mood, lower levels of satisfaction, or worries about how others see you are a few signs. It affects everyone differently, so how do you win? Fortunately, Common Sense Interaction wants you to know that you have more choices than you believe.
Make a Career Change
Changing careers or starting your own business can be an inspiring goal. Compare your interests to the fastest-growing markets, then decide if you want to start a new full or part-time business. Regardless of your business type, creating the right business entity can better protect your personal assets in case of claims involving liability. Corporations and LLCs are two options, with the latter being much more flexible. LLC formation involves less paperwork and more flexibility while maintaining tax advantages. Complete the paperwork yourself, or use a formation service to avoid lawyer’s fees, but check your state’s regulations regarding LLCs before moving forward.
Focus on Your Mindset
Your thoughts determine the actions you take. Choosing to remain in the moment helps you see your choices now instead of worrying about the past or future. Start practicing meditation or gratitude to increase your mental resilience and boost your ability to think positively. Taking one or more deep breaths can also have a profound effect on your mood.
Find Mental Health Support
It’s important to seek help if you’re emotionally overwhelmed. Thanks to the advantages of technology, many mental health services and a wealth of providers are online. Virtual therapists may offer free consultations, ensuring you find the right fit. With online therapy, you can choose from a variety of licensed professionals. Additional benefits include:
- Reduced travel time and expense. Sessions are virtual and often cost less than in-person visits. Your health insurance may cover online therapy.
- Secure and private. Receive your counseling in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
- Less commitment. You can stop online therapy anytime.
Moving to an area you admire might help refresh your outlook, but the move doesn’t have to be permanent. Renting out your current home is an option in case you want to move back later. Check into the types of expenses you could incur when renting out your home, and consider the right property manager for the job. Determine how much to charge for rent by considering the home type, location, and any recent renovations. Also, think about what renters are looking for in a rental property.
With your home on the rental market, you may be on the market for a new one. While there are many loan options you should investigate, check the 30-year fixed rates today since that is the most common mortgage period. You can use the interest rates along with a mortgage calculator tool to figure out how much house you can afford, especially if you are keeping and renting out your current home.
You may also find that non-conventional loan options are an even more cost-effective solution. If you’re a veteran, for instance, a VA home loan could be your ticket to buying a new home affordably. So take the time to research VA loan requirements, rates, and more to see if you qualify and if this is a viable option for you.
Begin a New Hobby
Believe it or not, hobbies can be inspirational. Gardening and cooking can increase your sense of self-efficiency. Painting or crafting helps you express your creativity, while learning to play a musical instrument is known to boost your brain power. Whether you need products to support a new hobby or are just shopping for stuff to enhance your home, take the extra step of researching to ensure that you’re buying smart. There’s no dearth of online resources with impartial reviews from fellow users and shoppers. Whether you plan to take up jogging with your littles in tow or explore Mother Nature through some hiking adventures, there is no lack of options available on the internet.
You can also expand your mind by taking online classes or learning a new language. Or begin reading short stories from Common Sense Interaction that challenge common perceptions. Additionally, these skills can add oomph to your résumé. Reading, dancing, and getting a new pet are other options that can empower you.
Experiencing a midlife crisis doesn’t have to be permanent if you make a conscious decision to change your mindset and embrace a different way of perceiving yourself. Take this moment to find what makes you happy and pursue it, whether it’s a new degree, a hobby, or a new career. And don’t be afraid to seek professional support when you need it.
If you are one of my readers, I’m sure you have noticed that I haven’t written a post of my own for a couple of weeks. I want to apologize, and I have decided to let you know why. I did get some great guest post writers during this time to make sure that you guys had something to read and learn from. I would like to thank Laura Moseley and Julia Mitchell for their great post, especially during this time. I believe they are both outstanding writers and feel you should go to their websites and see what else they have to offer. I hope to have them both back very soon.
Some of you know that I suffer nerve damage from an accident I had while working in a copper mine in Arizona. This is not an excuse for not writing, however, it has something to do with my absence. Just about everybody understands what nerve damage can do and the pain that goes with it. Things such as burning, losing control of extremities, itching, tightness and swelling to name a few. What those that have never experienced nerve damage don’t understand is the anxiety, depression and anger that come along as though the pain alone isn’t enough.
My anxiety has been through the roof, as of late, but that I handle with medication. The problem that has sidelined me has been pure anger. How can I write an uplifting post for my readers if I can’t even uplift myself? You may ask yourself why the anger? This I will try to explain the best that I can. Those of you in this position understand, but may not be able to find a way out of it. Although, I myself have been having great struggles with anger as of late, I have also been able to finally curtail it, but it has not been easy.
I have always been a person who jumps to get done whatever it is to be done in the safest, yet fastest way possible. I may complain and use some choice words during this time, but I was always working to finish the job, even while using the childish “complain phase”. Furthermore, I’ve done jobs that I hated, but I still got the job done. After becoming disabled, my whole world got turned upside down. All of a sudden, I can no longer jump right in and get the job done. No longer can I do what I want and speed through any situation. I now have to slow down and not do the things I used to be able to do, without major struggles. This alone makes me angry. And yet there is so much more to it.
Some things that I go through, have no explanations, and I will not try to explain to you what I can’t even explain to myself. The focus of this is to explain what I do know. I know that when I lose control of my hand and drop or crush a can of soda, anger is quick to come. I know that when I fall down in front of someone, without an obstacle causing it, first comes embarrassment, but anger is not far behind. The falls I keep to a minimum using a cane, yet even the stick fails me now and then.
So, throughout all my rambling and complaining, am I looking for sympathy? No, I am not! I am getting angry just admitting some of the things that make me angry. Crazy, huh? The only reason I decided to write this is to help others, in the same situation, to know there are others of us, and we need to be open about it and stop allowing the anger to get the best of us. Holding the anger in just multiplies it, however, we don’t want it to come out on others around us. I have found going to be by myself is the best I can do.
There are things like mindfulness that help in these situations, but I have found, I still must be alone for it to work. So alone time is the way to go in my opinion. The only thing to keep in mind, is don’t allow negative thoughts come in while relieving myself of anger. This is what I have been going through as of late. I believe I now have it under control, for the meantime. I am generally a kind person and when the anger hits, it is a shock to my system.
Most people that read this post will have no real idea of what I’m explaining. I would like to tell those people, there are people you know that are dealing with this and if they say to give them some space, time or to leave them alone, please give them this time to refocus. There is very little you can say to help other than you are there for them when needed.
Once again, I want to apologize to my readers for my absence. I will try to get back to my normal writing soon. I also am in the mist of creating a second website, where I have been writing short stories in various genres and will attach it to this website for those that have an interest, once it goes live. Furthermore, I want to thank you for sticking with me during this time, and I hope to bring more followers on board to help C.S.I grow. Take care, my friends, and remember, we are all in this together.
Written by Laura Moseley
My guest today is Laura Moseley from The DV Walking Wounded. Thank you, Laura, for sharing something that is so important for others to see! I commend you for your strength and for teaching other women, all is not lost. Laura is a survivor, and you can be too!
“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”CS Lewis
I learned about forgiveness early on, as a young child. My father always told me, “Those who anger you, own you.” That was the way that he instructed me to not let others dictate my behavior, which opened the door to forgiveness of others. My family was very ingrained in our church, so I was taught to receive forgiveness, I myself had to forgive. It wasn’t until I was a married adult, did I learn the proper way to forgive and “mean it.”
I had NO idea that there was a formula to forgiveness, until recently. I always knew that there was a technique to it, but not that there was an actual formula. I am going to break down the formula, putting my spin on it. I feel like I have massive experience in the “forgiveness” department, after surviving a twenty-six-year marriage to an abusive man AND surviving and healing from sexual abuse from a former boyfriend when I was just a teenager. I have had to forgive these people, even though I’ll never receive a formal apology, to live my life. I also will not allow them to do anything else, ever again. It’s the “Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on me!” principle.
Step 1: Acknowledge
Acknowledge that an offense happened, one that hurt the recipient (you). Be specific. Example: “My co-worker lied to our boss about taking sole credit for our project.”
Step 2: Consider
How did that offense make you feel? Has it changed your thinking or perception? Mull over what has happened, not making any decisions under stress (either anger or sadness).
Step 3: Accept
Please accept that what has happened (the past) cannot be undone. It is done and acknowledges that it has happened — and do not alter that perception. There is NO guarantee that the other party accepts that. What-ifs are not allowed here!
Step 4: Determine
This is the step where you will “determine” whether or not you intend to forgive the other party/person. This is a pivotal point. DO NOT take this lightly. This point can also dictate the future relationship you will have with the offending party, if any.
Step 5: Repair
Repair the relationship with the person who wronged you. Before any act of forgiveness or reconciliation, rebuild the connection you used to have with this person. For instance, if someone at work has wronged you, you may not necessarily forgive them, but you can let them know that you all have to work together, and you will be professional and courteous to each other. If you say something, keep your word! In most cases, you will be the instigator of this “olive branch,” so to speak. Many people know that they have inflicted a wrong, but “freeze up” and do not try to repair, only to avoid it. Keep in mind that you are “repairing” not “restoring.” If you are going about as if nothing is wrong, that does not solve any problems, but just creates more instances for you to be wronged.
Step 6: Learn
What does the term “forgiveness” mean to you? You really need to define that at this point. To me, I acknowledge the wrong and what you plan to do (or need to do) to correct that wrong. However, I will not forget this wrong, I just will no longer acknowledge that once forgiveness is granted. I am not allowing that wrong to own my thoughts and feelings. BUT, that is my interpretation. As a child, I had an adult tell me that you cannot forgive a person if they do not ask for it. I don’t believe this to be true, now that I am an adult. I have to get to a point of forgiveness for what they did to no longer control my feelings and perceptions. That person may no longer be in your life or may have passed away. You can forgive them and move on, based on time and feelings.
Step 7: Forgive
Actively forgive the person who has wronged you. This may be silent forgiveness, doing so in your mind. However, if you have an issue with someone currently in your life, you should speak the forgiveness. Example: “I forgive you for lying to me about _______. However, this has made me not trust you. I realize that we still have to work together. I will treat you with kindness and professionalism as I always have, but I may not entirely trust you.” The verbal statement may not be met with penitence or compassion, but it is your statement to make. Doing so in a non-threatening way is the way to go. Waiting to introduce it into a conversation, when it is just you and the other party, is best. The silent version is helpful in all aspects, as it helps you to let it go and move on! You may never truly get an apology or acknowledgment that the other party wronged you!
Another point is never to bring this past transgression up if you all have a later disagreement or argument. If you have truly forgiven someone, this is not fair to what is going on in the present! You may recall the past transgression also if there is a history of disagreements or misunderstandings. This may help you to know if you need to cut off the relationship, as a negative history, but DO NOT verbally bring that up. That only adds fuel to the fire and illustrates that it was truly not forgiven. You want to be a person of your word and if you want others to forgive you, you don’t want that thrown in your face. Each transgression merits its own attention! I definitely learned this from being in a romantic/intimate relationship. No one is perfect and I don’t expect my partner to be. I know I am not perfect, so I can extend grace to them — once we talk things through, that is. Communication should be a vital part of any relationship. If it is not, the relationship is not a positive one. Understanding why the transgression happened takes time, but try not to dwell on it too much. You may never fully understand why or how, but acknowledge that you can no longer worry about it! Worrying causes stress, which can shorten our lives. And I’m going to be darned if anyone gets to own my feelings! They are no longer allowed to pay rent inside my head! I release them from that, through forgiveness. I have found life is too short for that, honestly. After everything I have been through personally, I hate no one. Hate is a strong emotion that can kill you. Plus, I do not want to stoop to my transgressors’ negative levels. I am better than that and will conduct myself as such. Not better than the person, but better than the bitterness. Love and light!
C.S.I is proud to present another great guest post by Julia Mitchell from http://outspiration.net/
Believe it or not, a health-conscious lifestyle does not have to be expensive. In fact, you can eat well and take care of your mental health even when you’re on a tight budget. Here are some ways to live healthily and make money, courtesy of Common-Sense Interaction.
1. See a Doctor
Part of properly caring for yourself is going to the doctor for a health evaluation and talking about any current health issues. You can save on visits by scheduling an online consultation with a doctor and going over possible medications to treat your condition. Talk to the doctor about what generic medications are available at a lower cost than the brand name medicines. Then the doctor will send the prescription to your local pharmacy electronically for pick up.
2. Practice Your Favorite Self-Care Routine
Research shows that self-care enhances your overall wellness by boosting self-esteem and acknowledging self-worth. If you live a busy life, self-care can be something as simple as saying self-affirmations or making sure you have your favorite morning coffee. Occasionally, take yourself on a wellness vacation and spend some time doing the things you love the most.
3. Change Your Diet
Gut health affects your energy level and even mood. That’s why it’s important to be mindful of what food you eat. Processed foods can sometimes provide very little nutrition, leaving the body feeling tired and sluggish. A well-balanced diet will change your physical and mental health. You can save money by shopping for fruits and vegetables when they are in season and cheapest and cut back on eating out which typically means more expensive meals and larger portions.
4. Make Your Home a Place of Peace
Your home is the one place where you should get the most comfort in your life. Whether you live alone or with a big family, you can turn it into a more positive and stress-free environment. Start by cleaning and removing unwanted clutter. You can sell items you don’t need to make extra cash. Then find a space in the home where you can relax and meditate. It could be a spot in the backyard, an area of the basement, or just your bed. Wherever you feel more comfortable and can find quiet is the perfect place to reflect and relax.
5. Monetize Your New Knowledge
With your new lifestyle, you can turn some of your healthy habits into a lucrative business. For example, if you developed a love for cooking, you could start an affiliate marketing blog sharing your healthy recipes and the nutrients they provide. You could open a yoga studio or freelance as a life coach. Quick tip: these days, you’ll probably be conducting a lot of your business communications on the fly, so here’s how to save an email message as a PDF and share it from your Phone.
Reaching your optimal health is a process that may take a long time. Find a doctor, practice self-care, change your diet, create a stress-free home, and maybe even start your own health-related business. Appreciate the journey and the passions you develop along the way. The more invested and dedicated you are, the more you will get from the process.
Brought to you by Common-Sense Interaction, who shares short stories using Old School thought for today’s society. Join “William (Billy) Scaggs” and let’s change the way we think today for a greater world tomorrow. Feel free to contact him directly at email@example.com.